Self Soothing

Self soothing. It's been a hot topic at in my house lately. Hannah is nearing 9 weeks old and she refuses to sleep for longer periods of time unless she is being held. Not that I don't love holding my precious little girl, but it does get exhausting having her attached to me for what feels like 24/7. It also makes it extremely difficult to accomplish anything during the day. And, if you know me, I go absolutely batty if I have to stare at a sink full of dishes or a rug with crumbies!!

I am not to the point where I feel comfortable letting Hannah "cry it out". Had you asked me when I was pregnant, I would have told you that my child WILL sleep on her own because I am the parent and she will do what I tell her to the very second I tell her. I was obviously very informed on how parenthood works.

All this self-soothing talk got me to thinking. Why on Earth does Hannah not want to self soothe? Whenever I am upset or struggling I often want to just BE BY MYSELF. Leave me alone. Don't talk to me. Don't look at me. Just let me be mad and have my cry baby fit. (I only had one of these moments today. Where is my award?!)

Hannah is on to something here. When she starts crying I know she is either hungry, sleepy, needs her diaper changed, needs to be comforted, or she in pain. I pick her up and immediately try to figure out which one it is and do whatever I need to do to meet that need. It doesn't take long for her to stop crying and be relieved of whatever her struggle was in that moment.

As adults, we are the polar opposite. We face problems every day. Big ones and small ones: late for work, paying bills, past pain, death of a loved one, relationship struggles, lonliness, bitterness, the list goes on and on. Our gut reaction when a problem arises is to self-soothe. We become the world's best problem solvers--we go in to "fix it" mode. What can I do to make this better? Who has connections that can make this go away? And we self-soothe for a good long while. Eventually, we get frustrated and weary because (shockingly) we can't fix it on our own.

Jesus says in Matthew 11:28, "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Ah, rest. Something that I don't get much of these days. Fortunately, Jesus provides us spiritual rest even when physical rest is out of our reach. You see, Jesus knows when we struggle and are facing problems. Unlike the way I do with my Hannah, Jesus does not just swoop in and fix our mess. He waits for us to come to him. Why? Romans 5:3-4 says, "Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, ⁴ and endurance produces character, and character produces hope.." He is refining our faith--strengthening us. What would we ever learn about Christ if we never had to trust in his timing? Our faith would be weak, and we would never have the privilege of experiencing the faithfulness of God to its fullest extent.

So, while Hannah is learning to self-soothe, I pray that when I face struggle my immediate response is not to fix it on my own, but rather come to Jesus and experience the comfort only He can give.

I Am A Human Being.

Believe it or not, I have an eight week old daughter. Say what now? That is just not possible. Wasn't I just 17 last week? Oh, wait--no. That was 10 years ago. I am actually a full grown adult person who is married and responsible for a small human life. This boggles my mind. 

Motherhood is very different than I expected it to be. Not necessarily in a good or bad way--just different. Truth be told, society only shows the highlight reel when it comes to motherhood. You know, things like the baby dressed in sweet outfits and pictures of mom and dad beaming with pride. Not only does society only show the highlight reel, but they also only talk about the highlight reel. Things like how beautiful breastfeeding is, the incredible connection a woman feels with her newborn, and even the beauty of birthing a child. While these things all exist and are true, there is another side to motherhood that is not shown or talked about very much. 

To be honest, I went into shock and denial when I had my little girl. Let's just be real for a minute. Labor and birth are not beautiful. It is painful, tedious, hard work. You do not look fresh faced and put together after having a baby. I remember seeing posts on Facebook before having Hannah of young women showing off their newborns with freshly made up faces and perfectly placed hair. I actually considered packing my make up in our hospital bag to make sure that our first family picture was perfect. Oh, and breastfeeding? Breast is best. It's so natural. Here's the deal. Breastfeeding hurts. Bad. And, don't ever tell someone who is proficiently breastfeeding their baby that you think it hurts because they will tell you that it shouldn't if you are doing it right. This will automatically make you feel like the world's best mother... The truth is that breastfeeding does not feel natural for all babies and moms. When Hannah was born she had a latching problem. I don't think I can even count how many hours and nights I cried because I hated breastfeeding. My body was so physically exhausted and I was trying to force it to do something that was miserable for me, which also made it miserable for Hannah. 

I spent the first 4 weeks of Hannah's life crying. Crying because I was tired. Really, really tired. Crying because I was frustrated. Crying because I felt guilty about everything. Crying because I didn't know what I was doing. Crying because I felt trapped in my house. You name it and I was probably crying because of it. 

If I had to sum up what I have learned over the past 8 weeks it would be this: I am a real, actual, human being. This may not seem very significant, but let me tell you--it is profound for me in this moment. Never have I been more convinced that I make mistakes, I don't know it all, I can't do it all by myself, and I can be pretty ugly on the inside. It's really easy to convince yourself that you are capable of anything and that you are actually pretty good at whatever it is you do. But, there will come a time when you face something that is beyond you. It will stretch you to your breaking point and force you to truly question yourself. This is what God has used parenthood for in my life. I was convinced that I was doing pretty well on my own. If you'd have asked me if I thought I needed God, my answer would have been yes--but only because I knew it was the right thing to say. I knew I had flaws, but I didn't think they warranted help because I could fix them if and when I ever decided to. 

The Bible says in Habakkuk 2:4 "Look at the proud! They trust in themselves, and their lives are crooked. But the righteous will live by their faithfulness to God." I have a pride problem. Refusal to lay something down at the Lord's feet is a major indication that I want to take care of things my way rather than trust in His faithfulness. So, what am I losing? Well, if God is who He says He is, here is what I am settling for: 

fear rather than peace

sorrow rather than joy

mercilessness rather than forgiveness 

loneliness rather than relationships 

weakness rather than strength

I can't do life alone.I am sinful. I make mistakes. I struggle. I don't know it all. I need forgiveness. I need strength. I need Christ, and I need others. 

I am not super-mom, super-wife, or super-Christian. I am a real, actual, human being.