Motherhood is very different than I expected it to be. Not necessarily in a good or bad way--just different. Truth be told, society only shows the highlight reel when it comes to motherhood. You know, things like the baby dressed in sweet outfits and pictures of mom and dad beaming with pride. Not only does society only show the highlight reel, but they also only talk about the highlight reel. Things like how beautiful breastfeeding is, the incredible connection a woman feels with her newborn, and even the beauty of birthing a child. While these things all exist and are true, there is another side to motherhood that is not shown or talked about very much.
To be honest, I went into shock and denial when I had my little girl. Let's just be real for a minute. Labor and birth are not beautiful. It is painful, tedious, hard work. You do not look fresh faced and put together after having a baby. I remember seeing posts on Facebook before having Hannah of young women showing off their newborns with freshly made up faces and perfectly placed hair. I actually considered packing my make up in our hospital bag to make sure that our first family picture was perfect. Oh, and breastfeeding? Breast is best. It's so natural. Here's the deal. Breastfeeding hurts. Bad. And, don't ever tell someone who is proficiently breastfeeding their baby that you think it hurts because they will tell you that it shouldn't if you are doing it right. This will automatically make you feel like the world's best mother... The truth is that breastfeeding does not feel natural for all babies and moms. When Hannah was born she had a latching problem. I don't think I can even count how many hours and nights I cried because I hated breastfeeding. My body was so physically exhausted and I was trying to force it to do something that was miserable for me, which also made it miserable for Hannah.
I spent the first 4 weeks of Hannah's life crying. Crying because I was tired. Really, really tired. Crying because I was frustrated. Crying because I felt guilty about everything. Crying because I didn't know what I was doing. Crying because I felt trapped in my house. You name it and I was probably crying because of it.
If I had to sum up what I have learned over the past 8 weeks it would be this: I am a real, actual, human being. This may not seem very significant, but let me tell you--it is profound for me in this moment. Never have I been more convinced that I make mistakes, I don't know it all, I can't do it all by myself, and I can be pretty ugly on the inside. It's really easy to convince yourself that you are capable of anything and that you are actually pretty good at whatever it is you do. But, there will come a time when you face something that is beyond you. It will stretch you to your breaking point and force you to truly question yourself. This is what God has used parenthood for in my life. I was convinced that I was doing pretty well on my own. If you'd have asked me if I thought I needed God, my answer would have been yes--but only because I knew it was the right thing to say. I knew I had flaws, but I didn't think they warranted help because I could fix them if and when I ever decided to.
The Bible says in Habakkuk 2:4 "Look at the proud! They trust in themselves, and their lives are crooked. But the righteous will live by their faithfulness to God." I have a pride problem. Refusal to lay something down at the Lord's feet is a major indication that I want to take care of things my way rather than trust in His faithfulness. So, what am I losing? Well, if God is who He says He is, here is what I am settling for:
fear rather than peace
sorrow rather than joy
mercilessness rather than forgiveness
loneliness rather than relationships
weakness rather than strength
I can't do life alone.I am sinful. I make mistakes. I struggle. I don't know it all. I need forgiveness. I need strength. I need Christ, and I need others.
I am not super-mom, super-wife, or super-Christian. I am a real, actual, human being.
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